Gentlemen,
It is with an extreme amount of Myrtle Beach Fever that I write this
e-mail. I am fresh off receiving my traditional pre-Myrtle haircut and I am
ready to go. Once again, the fever is at an all time high as we count the
days, hours, minutes and seconds until our SEVENTH trip to heaven. Every year,
the fever gets worse and worse, and it sounds as if no one has been more
affected then Droz this year. Once again, the anticipation of the trip
has me thinking back to the origin of this annual pilgrimage... As I've said
many times before, I remember being called by Paul and told that we were going
to play golf and that sounded good to me, but I'm sure none of us had any idea
what we were getting ourselves into. In year 1, I certainly don't remember the
fever striking. I'm sure that we were all pretty excited about the trip, but,
again, had no clue what Myrtle Beach had in store for us. We certainly had no
idea what golf courses we were going to play other then the tee time that Droz
had made for Sunday morning at King's North. (Nice work, Droz... 1 f*cking tee
time??) Paul was so frustrated with his game that he elected to lay on
the beach, shop for crap, and call Stacey rather than play an afternoon round,
which, by the way, would be sacrilege now 1. because you need to play all
rounds of the MBBC and failure to do so could result in banishment from the
MBBC (if you can stand, you can play) and 2. I don't think you should be
calling Stacey anymore now that you're married and if you did, it could result
in banishment of your d*ck. I'm really not even sure at what point we
decided that this should be an annual trip... I would say it was suggested
during the long ride home that first year, but I'm pretty sure that Paul and I
slept from South Carolina to Virginia, so I'm not sure who would have
suggested it. In any event, thank God for whoever discovered heaven and
thank God for whoever suggested we keep going back and thank God for the MBBC,
and thank God for everything else associated with our trip to Myrtle, because
if it hadn't come around, I think I would have killed myself a long time
ago. Without any further ado, here are the predictions for the 2003
Myrtle Beach Birdie Championship:
#1 - Paul will successfully get us home from the airport to the Mystic
Sea Hotel
As always, I like to get the predictions off to a solid start.
After 5 years of trying I believe this is the year that Paul will finally be
successful in this effort. I made this prediction last year and was completely
astounded when Paul missed the very first turn, even to the point that I
thought he was joking around. Obviously, I have some uncanny ability to
remember how to get places when I've only been there once, but it's amazing to
me that someone as intelligent as Paul, can't handle directions as easy as
right, right, right, left. I don't think I'm giving away any secrets by
emphasizing to Paul that you make the very first right out of the airport,
then make the very first right after that, then make the very first right
after that, and then I believe you know where you need to make the left turn
(a turn that I often struggle with myself). Paul, once again, this is your
LAST chance to do this. Failure to successfully get us to the Mystic Sea will
result in you never being allowed to make the attempt again. I am
confident though, that you will be behind the wheel to make the drive when we
touch down in Myrtle Beach in August of 2004.
#2 - Someone will have the first 3 birdie round in the history of the
MBBC
All three of us have managed to have 2 birdies at least once during a
round, but no one has ever managed to fire three birdies in one round. (I
can't remember, but Dan may have fired a mulligan birdie at Grande Dunes, so
unofficially he did have 3 birdies in one round) Obviously, a 3 birdie round
will be a big factor in winning the 2003 birdie championship. I believe all of
us have a legitimate shot at firing 3 birdies in one round, so it's even
possible that more then one of us will do this, but I don't actually think so.
Where is the three birdie round most likely to happen, you ask? It's entirely
possible it could happen during the opening round at Heather Glen. I've
looked at the scorecard on the website and the course appears to be very short
(like my johnson) and there may be a lot of birdie opportunities. Although, I
think last year's opening round was held at a very easy course, The Shaft, and
no one managed more than 1 birdie there. It's possible we're too jacked up to
play well. Day 2 has us at a very difficult course, Tidewater, where some of
us may be too overcome with sticker shock after paying they don't recover in
time to birdie. Obviously, history has shown that Saturday's afternnon round
at Grande Dunes is a possibilty. Knowing little about Sea Trail, Tiger's Eye,
Prestwick or Diamond Black, it's a tough call on the other courses. The
Barefoot courses are difficult, but you've got to think that playing Love and
Fazio for the third time is finally going to pay off. So, I guess the answer
is that Heather Glen and Grande Dunes are the odds on favorites to be the
courses that yield the first 3 birdie round in MBBC history but that remains
to be seen.
#3 - At least once during one of our numerous between and/or post round
trips to any number of fast food establishments, Droz will say, "The only time
that I ever eat fast food is with you guys, on this trip."
Droz says this EVERY f*cking year when we're sitting in the middle of a
Burger King. Quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing it. Good for you!! Perhaps
you'll live longer then the rest of us, but that's not going to be very good
for you when we're all dead and you have to go to Myrtle Beach by yourself.
Yes, you'll win the MBBC, but you won't have anyone to exchange movie quotes
with and laugh at "Welcome to Medieval Times." (It's still funny) So give
us a break about the fact that you don't eat fast food, because I think I
speak for the three of us when I say, we don't care... we love fast food. In
fact, I think I may go to McDonald's after I finish writing this e-mail!
#4 - We're going to run into some bad luck...
Not really much of prediction, (and no, it has nothing to do with the
Southern Elegance) but it's actually directed toward 2 aspects of our trip
that we've been extremely fortunate about in the past 6 years... weather and
golf course quality. Like I'm sure Dan has, I have been actively checking
weather.com on a daily basis to monitor the weather forecast and any
"developments" in the Atlantic Ocean. As usual the weather reports indicate
that it will be partly cloudy (or partly sunny) with scattered thunderstorms,
highs in the 80's and lows in the 70's... what else is new. There were some
"developments" in the Atlantic Ocean late last week that apparently have
dissipated, so I think we've avoided the Big H for another year. But,
unfortunately, I think we may see a washout of at least one of our rounds this
year. I'm not talking about a little thunder storm here or there... I'm
talking about huge rain storms, massive flooding, cats and dogs living
together, mass hysteria. Hopefully, it will be the common situation where
we're sitting somewhere waiting to tee off and we call another course in the
magazine and they tell us it's perfectly sunny here so come on down and we'll
be able to relocate. But, I think we've dodged a lot of bullets over the years
and this may be the year that we lose a round or two to the weather. Let's
hope not. Secondly, given the number of new courses we're playing, I think
there's a chance that we're going to run into another dud. Hopefully, it will
never be as bad as our Cypress Bay (what a pr*ck house) and Ocean Harbor
Experiences, but sooner or later, it's going to happen again. We've been
unbelieveably lucky so far to have only struck out twice and while I think
we've made some solid selections this year, it's going to happen again at some
point.
#5 - Paul and I will win the first annual Battle at Cane Patch
Judging from the number of e-mail that were recently exchanged after the
mere suggestion of this event, it appears that enthusiasm is extremely high
for this ultimate grudge match and renewal of the rivalry established many
years ago on East Halls Field. Will this event become as popular as the Myrtle
Beach Birdie Championship...? That remains to be seen. But make no mistake,
this will a hotly contested battle, but I think Paul and I will prove
victorious in the end and I'll tell you why. Paul and I are very tired of
getting our arses kicked by you guys in everything we've played over the
years. We've had enough and I believe we've finally found a competition that
we can beat you in. This is a course that does not set up well for Droz and
Dan. Droz hates Par 3's and while I don't think there is any water, there will
be huge CHUNK factor for every hole. Meanwhile, given that this is white trash
central, I'm quite sure that we will playing on Barefoot-like greens, so I
expect Dan to struggle mightily with the speed of these greens. Meanwhile,
Paul is used to playing on terrible courses and will feel right at home and I
anticipate no problems whatsoever. Add to this the John Daly factor
(translation: we'll be extremely drunk when we're playing) and I think Paul
and I will win the battle.
#6 - Someone will have a hole-in-one!!!
This prediction remains in the Predictions e-mail, and will do so until
someone actually makes it true. Something we've never discussed... who's
actually come the closest to an ace in Myrtle Beach. Last year I threw a dart
during the afternoon round at Barefoot that landed a few inches from the cup,
but ended up about a foot and a half away (long enough that you bastards made
me putt it). That's the closest I know I've ever been and I can't really
remember anyone being too much closer. I know Paul's been known to throw a
dart or two in the past, but I don't think anyone's ever been close enough to
kick one in... let me know what you guys remember on this. In any event, I
think this is the year that someone finally fires an ace. I guess, if you want
to figure it out mathematically, we're playing 9 courses, each with probably 4
par 3's so that means we each have 36 chances for an ace or 144 chances total.
Take away the 3 or 4 par threes that Droz chunks and that nmenas we really
only have about 140 chances for an ace. I gotta think we can make 1 out of
140... that sh*t is TOO easy!! The night that someone has a hole-in-one is
going to be a huge celebration. We may not make it for our tee time the next
morning, because there will be a plethora of shots involved and there may be
girls with no clothes on, but we've talked about that before and that's yet to
happen.
#7 - We will be the most obnoxious people on the flight from Charlotte to
Myrtle
This one always boggles my mind. I don't understand why this flight is
not more like the flight to Vegas. But it always seems that the four of us are
the loudest, most obnoxious, annoying people on the flight. Everyone else is
very subdued... some poor schmucks even look like they're going to Myrtle for
business. Everyone seems to be relaxing early in the morning during the 45
minute or so flight while the four of us are clapping, laughing, yelling movie
quotes (because we're never sitting together), flipping through Fantasy
Football magazines and the golf magazine, and then, of course, there's that
moment when we break through the clouds during our descent and naturally
everyone looks out the window, but still everyone remains rather quiet except
for the four arsholes who start arguing over the identity of the courses that
they are able to pick out on the ground below... "Oh, I think I see The
Witch... Look it's Grande Dunes, etc., etc., etc." I love EVERY minute of
it!!!!
#8 - We will be asked by the HRNIC at the Mystic Sea or employees of the
HRNIC to stop playing roofball.
I think this will be our third year of roofball. (I don't think I thought
to throw the ball on the roof until a couple of years ago). Amazingly, the
only "incident" thus far was the breaking off a light in the parking lot after
an errant throw. Even more amazingly, there have been no complaints from
other white trash staying at the Mystic Sea, despite numerous short tosses off
the doors and windows on the third floor. You would think that someone would
have complained by now. It does seem that people are excited by roofball and
do not want to see it stopped anytime soon. However, at some point, one of the
Mystic Sea employees is going to catch on. Hopefully, it's just to tell us to
stop rather then telling us to stop as a result of a windshield that was
shattered by an errant toss...
#9 - The Big Woody will be leaving the Philadelphia area
In year's past I have generally predicted that I will win the MBBC.
That's mostly because in year's past I was the only one who was playing. Now,
it's anybody's ball game so I'll refrain from predicting who will win, but I
am predicting that the Big Woody will not be staying in Philadelphia. It's
possible it will remain in the state of Pennsylavania, but move to the west or
possibly move south to the State of Maryland. Either way, the Big Woody will
not be returning to Philly.
#10 - I will get laid.
Normally, I like to predict that I won't get laid to make sure that I get
at least one of my predictions correct. However, I find it unbelieveable that
a good-looking stud like myself (one of four) can't get himself laid in
heaven. Add to that the fact that Droz says we're very cool when we go to
Crocodile Rocks and you gotta think I can get it done. Probably not, but the
prediction makes me feel better, so we'll see what happens.
As I said last year the predictions e-mail gets harder and harder to
write every year, as I try to mix them up a little bit. Keep in mind that I
don't think I've ever gotten more then half of my predictions right so they're
really not worth sh*t. In any event the predictions e-mail means we can
prepare to fast forward to Myrtle as we are now just 4 days away. In a little
over 4 days from the time that you are reading this e-mail, we will be
standing on the first tee at Heather Glen. It will be hotter then 2 rats
f*cking in a wool sock and there will likely be storm clouds approaching or
leaving that we will ignore because we know it will blow over. Droz will flip
the tee and the 2003 MBBC will have officially begun. I won't bother to
predict where everybody's drives will go because I'm usually wrong because it
won't matter because we'll be in f*cking Myrtle Beach and that's all that
matters. I can tell you though, that somebody will be playing woodball on the
first whole because I think there are a lot of trees at Heather Glen.
Gentlemen, I will see you in a few days in Charlotte and I look forward to
finding out if any of these predictions will come true!